Sunday, September 20, 2015

Badasses of the Universe- Kaela Mensha Khaine

Badasses of the Universe- Kaela Mensha Khaine

Khaine hails from the Warhammer 40,000 universe, as part of the mystical pantheon of Eldar gods. Who are the Eldar? The Eldar are like space elves, but are super aware of their emotions and environments. More on them later. Why is Khaine so badass? First, he’s the god of not only war, but STRIFE. He gives no shits about anything, so long as it’s dead, dying, suffering, or on fire. Second, he’s basically the bad guy in every Eldar story: he got to take two Eldar gods and basically scream at them and punch them for a long time, he broke the Smith God’s shit when the guy didn’t deliver 100 magical swords (got 99 swords but…). This was called The War In Heaven, or When The King of the Gods Thought You Know, Let’s Give Super Pissed Off Guy Two Gods To Torture, That’ll End Well. But it gets better people. Khaine had basically made every other god (except the God-King Asuryan, who doesn’t do a whole lot) his bitch. BUT, there was an Eldar hero named Eldanesh (creative) who demanded trial by combat so Khaine wouldn’t rickroll the entire universe. Obviously he was made into a meat-paste and spread on the proverbial cracker, but Eldanesh was chill with Asuryan who MADE KHAINE’S HAND DRIP IN ELDANESH’S BOILING BLOOD FOREVER.

So the Eldar are super not chill and they basically have a ton of orgies and drug-parties and it basically turns into Florida down there, so they end up making A NEW GOD OF BOOBAGE, SLAANESH. This murders something like 99% of the Eldar, who realize “Oh shit we better get clean”. So there’s a new god in town, and Slaanesh and his/her/it’s three brothers think let’s start trying to conquer everything that ever existed. The Eldar are slightly pissed about this. During several wars, the Eldar gods ARE ALMOST ALL KILLED- Slaanesh (the chaos god of lust, boobage, and piercings in weird places) took Khaine for a plaything. Luckily (or maybe not so luckily), the chaos god of war stepped in and demanded Khaine on the basis that the pair were both gods of war, and he should be the one to punch Khaine in the face for eternity. The two chaos gods fought, and while they did Khaine said fuck this. He left the realm of chaos and SHATTERED HIS BODY INTO 1000 PIECES.

Every Eldar Craftworld (think floating city in space the size of a planet with no parking) got one of these shards. Obviously having a piece of the god of not only war but STRIFE isn’t the best thing. Each piece of Khaine is kept inside a special chamber, and when the Eldar prepare for war, KHAINE WAKES UP TO THE PARTY. Every Eldar gets consumed by a battle-lust so strong they want to murder anything not Eldar they see. So while Khaine hits the snooze button, his people gather and perform the Ritual of the Young King.

The Ritual of the Young King BASICALLY is designed to piss Khaine off and remind him “Hey, remember when you killed one of us and then got crippled forever?” A group of Exarchs gather together. Now, Exarchs are special because Eldar (remember them?) are sensitive to most things, like frogs or overly protective mothers. When they go to war they SHUT THE MORAL SIDE OF THEIR BRAIN AWAY AND LET THE ANGRY MURDER-DEATH SIDE LOOSE. After battle they return to normal, but the Exarchs basically said fuck that, we love war. They deal with bloodshed and violence like other people would breathe.

ANYWAY, the Ritual requires an Exarch to be the Young King (Eldanesh) and tell this fragment OF A GOD to piss off, you can’t have the universe. Khaine is not happy with this development and the chamber where he lives emanates pure rage and fire and death. Logically, the Young King strips down to nothing, has his OTHER FRIENDS CUT RUNES OF WAR INTO HIS BODY. Then they gather his blood in a cup and HE DRINKS IT LIKE A FUCKING FINE WINE. Then (not done yet motherfuckers) the Exarchs bring out the Suin Daellae. The Suin Daellae translates to “Howling Death” or “Wailing Doom”. It’s a spear or sword MADE FOR A GOD AND THE ELDAR GIVE IT TO THE BLOODY, NAKED YOUNG KING. Y’all got that? So Khaine realizes someone is mimicking him and he LOSES HIS SHIT. The Young King willingly goes into the chamber and the doors slam shut behind him. Nobody knows what happens as Khaine takes his form, but it details that SCREAMS SO LOUD AND TORTURED THE BATTLE-HARDENED WAR LOVING EXARCHS GET FREAKED OUT. So after Khaine basically kills the Young King and uses his soul to power the Avatar he’s in, the doors open and OUT STRIDES A 20 FOOT TALL STATUE OF LIVING METAL, FILLED WITH FIRE AND HATRED SO HOT IT BURNS EVERYTHING AROUND HIM AND A HAND DRIPPING IN THE ELDAR SACRIFICE’S BLOOD.

This, of course, makes the Eldar lose their shit and the normally weak elf-like people get so bloodthirsty A REGULAR CITIZEN RIPPED THE HEAD CLEAN OFF OF A RAMPAGING ORK. Like, twist, pop, clean off. So Khaine lives for the battle, a literal piece of a god brought to life by being so pissed off that he basically returns to fight again. After the battle the Avatar returns to its chamber until the Eldar need it again.

Oh, and his sword/spear screams with the voices of everyone the Avatar has killed whenever it’s swung or thrown. Awesome.

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